HIGH DRAMA IN THE STREET!!!

More like the boulevard, really... but still... HIGH DRAMA INDEED!!!

Yesterday, on a mission to acquire some snacks and sundries, I swung my car into an available parking space on a sidestreet near my local grocer and popped out to pay the meter. As I began doing so, I heard a loud, deep voice bellow, “BACK UP! BACK THE HELL UP!” Only the “hell” I heard seemed to start with an F and end with a more gutteral collection of Cs and/or Ks. Your guess is as good as mine!

I raised my head to see where the voice was coming from and saw two men about to engage in mortal combat! Or at least exchange some heated unpleasantries. The younger of the two chaps— I’m guessing 30-ish —held one hand up, flat palm facing outward, in a universal “proceed no further” pose, while his other jutted out in front of him with his elbow raised, forearm bent at a right angle… imagine he was holding an invisible shield… apparently to define the boundary of his personal space. I gleaned his intent from his words, “YOU’RE VIOLATING MY PERSONAL SPACE!!! BACK THE FORK UP!!!” His invisible shield ( I accept there’s a strong possibility there was no actual shield) was thrust outward to repel the other man, clearly his adversary— an older fellow of, I’m guessing, early-50s…which would make the older man younger than me, but that’s hardly important and I don’t understand why you’d even bring it up, frankly!

For purposes of expediting this wild tale of drama in the streets (between the street and the sidewalk, to be accurate) I will give our potential combatants names. The younger I’ll call Tad and the older… uh…Gus? Sure.

Gus was not obeying Tad’s commands to proceed no further. He was, instead, trudging forward while fumbling to activate his phone’s video feature. He was going to record the exchange for posterity, or maybe for evidence gathering, or to upload to his OldGuyFightsYoungerGuy.org fanpage.

I don’t know how this incident started, what triggered it, what sparked the kindling under this now boiling cauldron of unbridled masculinity, but it was ON, BABY!!! Tad continued to keep a buffer of air between himself and Gus’s lumbering lens. They spoke to each other, but not as loud as the earlier shouting, so I could not quite make out what they were saying, but they were both wide-eyed and wary, jacked up on adrenaline and, I suspect, a bit too much coffee.

Suddenly, Gus turned and lurched toward the open window of Tad’s vehicle. He stuffed his torso inside and flailed about for something. Tad, to his credit, stayed back a bit, hollering, “Get out of my car! You have no right to go into my car!” Gus, undeterred by his lack of rights, kept swishing his mitts around the interior of the dinky Smartcar, like a ravenous bear swatting at salmon from the riverbank. After several warnings, Tad stepped up and gave Gus a one-handed shove to the shoulder, which Gus was clearly not prepared for, because he staggered sideways and tumbled arse-over-ankles onto the grassy boulevard. His phone clattered onto the sidewalk. Gus gathered himself and his device with remarkable speed, and stood up, squaring himself to Tad. The tinder was set to explode.

Then, from nowhere, a third fellow… forty-five-ish… let’s call him Blake… strolled up, casual as you please. Blake said a few quiet words to the two men, speaking for no more than five seconds, and they each turned and walked away. Wow.

Blake is either the godfather of the Kitsilano mafia who rules with an iron fist, or the greatest salesperson the world has ever seen. I have no idea what he said to the would-be combatants, but it was probably something like, “If you two keep this up, that dude across the street with the big round head is probably going to write about you in his Substack.”

No one wants that! Crisis averted. Let this tale stand as testament to the power of the printed word.

TOMORROW…

…a new episode of my HECK on EARTH comic strip goes out to all paid subscribers. New episode every Monday and Friday…fifteen episodes are out in the world so far! Those of you who’ve recently upgraded to the paid tier have full access to the entire archive, which also includes all the Mid-Week Rambler videos.